Ego Death by Sarah Young-James

I’ve been delighted to have Sarah in the online class, Be in Love with Yr Life, and want to share the following reflection with you…

“Security!” my subconscious cries out on most days, looking for something I can call mine. “I’m separate! I’m better than ___! I’m not responsible for ___!” In this frenzy, I overlook the relative, illusory nature of perceived stability. And the suffering grows. It grows teeth, fear, a deep growl, and the ability to retreat quickly into dark, solitary corners. Like a mistreated animal, it learns to defend itself, all the while scared to death.

When have I felt most liberated? The most unattached to money, security, status and image? Days standing by the pila in Colon, El Salvador, mosquito clouds swirling around my bare legs. Sweltering afternoons, with smoke in the air and beautiful children hanging from each of my limbs in Vitas, Manila. I felt my soul laid bare, able to give and receive in ways so foreign and far once I returned to the states, once I began working for a paycheck, for a 401K, for a savings pile big enough to sustain me so that I could just quit it all.

And now we’re in a new time. Together, we feel our hearts moving us towards love first. The scared one within still jumps about in my heart and scurries through my cortisol-laced mind two or three times a day. I still worry that we might have to eat cat food when we’re 85. I still feel my chest tighten when we spend money on necessary things and when I don’t know when I’ll start making a paycheck again. And yet, I breathe in a new way from time to time. I feel love coming back to the top, rising up from murky depths like eternal, effervescent bubbles. I feel the humming energy of wondering what a life lived by following the whispers and seductions of love can become.